


Calefaction

by internationalprincess



Category: West Wing
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-21
Updated: 2002-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-14 06:06:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/internationalprincess/pseuds/internationalprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sam doesn't want to take his feelings out and examine them too closely,  but he recognises the small spark of hope for what it is."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Calefaction

It's early, but Sam no longer has any capacity for viewing time as a normal person does. He only vaguely remembers what it's like to start the day at seven - to be in at work at nine - to keep a relatively sane schedule. To know what a weekend is.

It's a little after six and he's been at work for half an hour already, and the President, CJ and Toby are in the air and on their way to Iowa, and somewhere in Vieques a friend of his is in trouble. He thinks about Lisa asking him after the State of the Union how he would possibly readjust when they finally leave the White House, leave what she referred to as 'this wholly artificial atmosphere'. It seems odd to him that the work they are doing, the really important life-or-death work, the work that knits together the patchy fabric of global security and affects national prosperity, could be considered artificial or unreal. Surely it is the most real, he thinks. As real as it gets, anyway.

Josh is in his office, staring at his telephone, when Sam wanders in and sits down.

"What's going on?"

"I'm waiting for a phone call."

"I mean in Vieques," he says, vaguely annoyed by Josh's literalism.

"Billy Molina and some people ran the Coastguard line and they're camped out in the live target range..."

Sam isn't really listening to what Josh is saying. He's thinking about Billy and a time before they were these people. A time when he used to know what the skin over Billy's collarbone tasted like.

"So they're hooking you up with Billy," he says, as Josh gets to his feet and moves behind Sam to get a file.

He wonders why he's not relieved by this news. He ought to be, he thinks. Ought to be relieved that Josh is the one forced into the position of having to play the establishment heavy with someone they were once close to. Glad that he didn't have to have a conversation with Leo that went along the lines of 'So, you used to sleep with the guy, now we need you to give him a call..." But there's a flicker of irrational jealousy instead.

"It's a strange day when I'm involved with national security."

Sam doesn't look up. "I was just thinking the same thing," he lies.

"You know what else?" Josh continues, oblivious to Sam's discomfort.

"What?"

"Tandy asked Amy to *marry* him."

Sam pauses for a long moment.

The sense of de ja vu is palpable for him. On Air Force One, exhausted after a long day and night in LA, as Josh - sitting opposite him - twists off the top of a beer bottle for Sam and says 'Joey's sleeping with Al Kiefer.' Or slumped on a hotel bed, in a room that smells like cigarettes and laundry detergent, as Josh sinks into a chair and says, 'Mandy's leaving for California.'

Sam doesn't want to take his feelings out and examine them too closely, but he recognises the small spark of hope for what it is.

He twists in his chair to look at Josh.

"Seriously?"

"She said 'no'."

"Yeah," he says, knowing the response will appease Josh.

******************************

"So you and Billy are..."

He looked up at Josh and watched as he gestured to indicate he didn't know how to finish the sentence, or couldn't bring himself to. Sam finished the last of his drink and looked over to where Billy was flirting with the barman instead of bringing Sam another.

"Yeah," he shrugged.

"How long?"

"Couple of months." He didn't want to be having this conversation with Josh. Didn't really want to be having it all, given that with each passing evening he could see Billy slipping away from him. Sam began to inventory the things he would miss. Billy's dark skin and fiery eyes, his passion for each cause he devoted himself to, the way he whispered Sam's name in his sleep.

"So it's serious?"

"No."

Josh cocked his head to one side and stared at Sam in a way that would have made him squirm if he hadn't had quite as much to drink. 'Joshua Lyman, hopelessly straight', Sam reminded himself.

"I knew that Billy was..." Josh continued, gesturing again to fill in the blanks, "but I didn't realise you..."

He looked at Josh for signs of judgment, disapproval, discomfort. He found none.

*****************

"That happened fast, don't ya think?" Josh is grinning at him, seeking his approval, waiting for Sam to agree with him. Sam wants to reach across the desk and shake him.

"No, no...don't do this."

"What?"

"I recognise this."

"As what?"

Sam wants to scream 'Don't be coy!' Wants to rip the barely healed scab from the wound and say 'I remember this. I know what this is!'

He's troubled by the fact he can feel the sear of Josh's kiss on the back of his neck once more.

*****************

It was January, and Sam with his Californian sensibilities was freezing in the frigid DC weather. They were standing on a street corner, they had had too much to drink, and Sam knew that the right thing to do was to hail a cab and get in it - alone - and put some serious physical distance between himself and Josh.

He looked at the fog his breath was forming, waited for Josh to say something.

And Josh had done something unexpected. He had put one gloved hand up to his mouth and tugged the glove off with his teeth, stretched his bare hand toward Sam and ran it down the side of Sam's face. He never broke eye contact.

Sam hadn't been able to move.

Josh withdrew his hand and pushed it back into his glove. "It's not..."he mumbled softly, "...not how I imagined."

Sam felt the sort of elation he knew only accompanied big mistakes, as he whispered back, "My place is closer..."

What Sam remembers most now is the heat. Having been so cold outside, the way the fire of Josh's touch had burnt him all the way through. The way they had thrown the covers back afterwards, slept covered only in a fine sheen of sweat.

The way he had felt branded.

**********************

He doesn't know how he feels about Amy. He's only met her twice, but she seems to him like the right sort of woman for Josh. Less abrasive than Mandy, more human than Joey.

More of Josh's equal than Donna.

"She didn't break up with him for you. I guarantee it. She is a fully independent woman. She's..." He searches for a way to describe her and fails, "...the real thing. Stop looking at her different than you did yesterday!"

It's not that he wants Josh to be with Amy. He just wants him to stop being like this. Someone playing with a yo-yo, entranced as it rolls away, and yet perplexed when it comes back. How can he feel cornered so quickly, Sam wonders. Where does this 'caged animal' response come from?

"I just...said it was a little fast."

"The next thing that happens, you find a reason to be mad at her."

"You're wrong."

But Sam's not.

*****************

He'd spent two weeks leaving unreturned messages for Josh at work, and he would have given up but he hated to think that somewhere Josh was having the big 'freak out' and Sam wasn't there to allay his fears.

When he finally got hold of him he could tell Josh was irritated about something.

"Sam, I'm kinda busy now..."

Sam noted that he didn't offer to call him back.

"Yeah, sure. Listen...I just wondered if you wanted to get a drink or something later this week."

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"Look," Josh finally responded, "I just think it would be best if..."

Another silence stretched out. Sam watched the seconds tick around on his kitchen clock.

Josh sighed, and said, "I think what you're doing to Billy is wrong."

Sam's eyebrows shot up in amazement, the water glass he was holding nearly slipping from his hand. "I'm sorry?!"

"You know, he's a friend of mine. And you're sleeping around on him. And I...well...I shouldn't have got caught up in that, but I just...don't feel right about it." Josh's voice was laced with indignation.

Sam felt off balance.

"You're pissed at me?!"

Josh said nothing.

"You don't think that's a bit..." Sam spluttered, "...hypocritical?!"

"Look, when you're done cheating...give me a call."

Sam had stared at the receiver in disbelief as he was confronted with nothing but dial tone.

***************

The bar was noisy and Sam had a headache, which only magnified when he saw Josh pushing through crowd towards him.

They made small talk about Josh's job, and about the mutual friend whose promotion they were celebrating.

"So, Billy tells me he's seeing someone new..."

Sam studied Josh's face, and saw a nervous look pass across it.

"Yeah."

Someone jostled Sam from behind and he stepped forward. Josh took a step back, and then looked vaguely guilty for doing so.

Sam put his drink down on the bar, and wished he couldn't feel Josh's lips against his thigh.

"I'm moving to New York."

The nervous look was replaced with relief, and possibly - although Sam couldn't be sure - regret.

"Really?"

"The firm I told you about, the job offer came through...I'm taking it."

Josh was looking over his shoulder.

"So, that blonde over by the jukebox...think she's checking me out?"

Sam didn't bother to turn around. Just reached a hand out and placed it momentarily on Josh's shoulder, and then walked away.

***************

When he thinks about it now Sam can catalogue a dozen moments in the years between that night in the bar and now. Moments when Josh gave more away with a look than he ever probably intended. Soft, nostalgic looks.

Nights when there was too long a pause before hailing a cab. Times when Sam felt sure that Josh was going to lean in and scald him again. And just as quickly, they disappeared. So fleeting Sam often suspected he imagined them.

But he is sure of one moment, on a busy street in Manhattan, when he told Josh he was going to marry Lisa. That look he knows he did not imagine.

****************

He looks at Josh now, and he's trying to think of a way to make this not about them.

"Guys like you?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm one of 'em."

Donna interrupts them, and Josh has to take the call. Which is just as well, Sam thinks as he walks back to his office, because Sam is not 'one of them'. Not one of them at all, and he knows that even Josh would have been forced to point that out if their conversation had continued.

And so he leaves Josh, on the phone to Sam's ex so many miles away. And as he pushes paper around his desk a few moments later he finds himself hoping Josh will prove the skeptic in him wrong. If he can give Amy the benefit of the doubt, Sam reasons, maybe he has grown up a little.

Then one day, when they leave this 'artificial atmosphere', there might come a night when Josh's touch will scorch him once again, and he will know that come morning he won't be left with ashes in his mouth.


End file.
